


Where Did Your Lips End Up Tonight?

by baheti



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Louis, Christmas, Drinking, M/M, Mistletoe, Pining, Slow Burn, Smoking, Tomlinshaw - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 07:33:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2843144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baheti/pseuds/baheti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Nick had long ago accepted that he and Louis were never going to be friends, and that wouldn’t hurt at all except for the massive, massive, massive crush Nick has on Louis. He’s accepted this too, but thinking about it hasn’t gotten him anywhere closer to Louis, and he’s given up trying to figure out whether or not there is any hope of something happening between them. Once in a while, he gets a twinge in his stomach when he sees Louis looking at him, but it’s never a friendly look. Sometimes it’s a curious look, sometimes it’s as if Louis has a bitter taste in his mouth, and sometimes it’s flat out fearful. But it’s never warm or friendly."</p><p>Or: Nick and Louis don't kiss under the mistletoe</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Did Your Lips End Up Tonight?

Nick isn’t sure he should be here tonight. Harry had invited him to a Christmas holiday party and, even though there would be alcohol flowing, Nick isn’t sure he can handle the party’s other host, one Mr. Louis Tomlinson. Nick had long ago accepted that he and Louis were never going to be friends, and that wouldn’t hurt at all except for the massive, massive, massive crush Nick has on Louis. He’s accepted this too, but thinking about it hasn’t gotten him anywhere closer to Louis, and he’s given up trying to figure out whether or not there is any hope of something happening between them. Once in a while, he gets a twinge in his stomach when he sees Louis looking at him, but it’s never a friendly look. Sometimes it’s a curious look, sometimes it’s as if Louis has a bitter taste in his mouth, and sometimes it’s flat out fearful. But it’s never warm or friendly. To be fair to Louis, he’s never blatantly rude to Nick either, but he always seems disappointed when Harry brings Nick around to hangout, or annoyed when they’re all together. Harry tries to divide his time evenly between the two of them, and neither Nick nor Louis want to disappoint Harry by making him take sides. Nick’s crush had gone from a startling and life-changing tidal wave to a slow burn in the depths of his heart, and he had become so used to the little ache of it resting there that he sometimes forgot about it altogether. Other times his stomach felt like it was collapsing in on itself when he saw Louis talking to an attractive man, or when they hung out in a group of friends and Louis always seemed so desperate to not be alone in a conversation with Nick for even a second. 

Tonight, he had told himself to play nice and just avoid Louis whenever possible. Nick feels his stomach turn, as he raps on the front door of Harry and Louis’ apartment. Liam answers the door and welcomes him into the apartment with a warm ‘hey man!’ and shows Nick where to hang his coat in the closet. Before he heads back to the party, Liam turns to Nick.

“Watch out for Louis, by the way. He’s carrying mistletoe around and insisting on kissing literally everyone. He shouted ‘NO EXCEPTIONS’ at me when I tried to refuse.”

Nick responds with a laugh. It sounds forced and a little bit too high-pitched to him, but Liam doesn’t seem to notice in the slightest.

“And what did Sophia think of that?”

“He made her kiss him too, yelling something about the Christmas spirit and love for all, I’m not quite sure. Seriously though, he’s going to come for you at some point.”

“Not sure if he’s tall enough to kiss me, mate. I think I’ll be fine. I have plenty of experience turning down drunk men.”

Liam laughs at that and Nick follows him inside into the party. He spots the bar area first, so he heads over for a cup of something to occupy his hands and his mouth. After pouring himself a glass of truly cheap wine, Nick turns to the crowd in search of a familiar pair of eyes. He finds his friend Daisy coming from the bathroom and she pulls him into the kitchen where Nick recognizes more of the faces. He joins Daisy and two of their friends in the corner, his back against the wall in a lazy attempt to both look out for Harry and avoid Louis under the mistletoe. 

He really can’t kiss Louis under the mistletoe. He finds the thought of it so strange that he almost interrupts Daisy’s conversation to laugh, but he catches himself and tightens his lips instead. No matter how drunk Louis may be, Nick can’t picture a world in which Louis would try to kiss him, even for the sake of Christmas spirit, as Liam had called it. Nick wants to kiss Louis, he definitely does, but he doesn’t want it to be a one-time thing, or a joke, or another addition to Louis’s checklist. He knows that it couldn’t be a casual thing for him to kiss Louis, because that’s not who they are. To kiss Louis casually would be to cement a certain level of friendship that Nick knows would be the extent of the relationship, ending all possibility of anything happening between them, and Nick knows that would hurt so much more than the comfortable distance he currently keeps. 

He refocuses on the conversation just in time to catch Harry coming into the kitchen with an empty plate of sandwiches, and Nick waves to get his attention. Harry’s face lights up and he hops over to Nick, briefly pausing to look back into the living room on his way over.

“Grimmy! You came! Merry Christmas!” Harry exclaims, wrapping his arms around Nick’s waist as Nick pulled him in by the shoulders.

“Harry! I brought coal for your stocking.” They sway and giggle a little bit as they hug. Eventually Harry pulls back, but he leaves one of his arms around Nick’s waist, and Nick keeps his arm flopped over Harry’s shoulder. In typical Harry fashion, he’s slipped right into the conversation, joking with Nick’s friends - now Harry’s friends as well, Nick realizes. 

Nick has missed being in the loving company of Harry Styles, and he pulls Harry a little bit closer. Harry leans the side of his head into Nick’s shoulder, and they stay like that for a few moments, perfectly content among friends. Nick and Harry are easy, their friendship works, no matter how much time they spend apart, he and Harry just click back together, their worlds just mesh. He loves Harry’s friends, at least... most of them - definitely Liam - and Harry (obviously) fits in with his (amazing) friends. 

And they’ve always been there to support each other. Yes, Nick teases Harry about the girls he’s dated, and Harry teases Nick about the models that have rotated through his life, but Nick would do anything to make Harry happy, and he knows it’s mutual. He would do anything except admit his feelings for Harry’s best friend. Harry tends to meddle, and Nick would rather live life with a slow burn in his chest than the baseball bat to the gut that an outright rejection, or more like a public humiliation, would bring. 

“So have you all received tonight’s party favor?” Harry grins at Nick’s friends.

Daisy laughs and raised an eyebrow. “Are you asking if we were all accosted by a tipsy mistletoe-wielding Louis Tomlinson?”

“Did you get a nice smooch?”

“Yes Harry.” Daisy rolls her eyes. “He was very persuasive, but a surprisingly gentle kisser. I never pictured him as the tender loving care type of guy. Also he definitely ended up with most of my lipstick on his face.”

“Jeez Daisy, did you kiss him or try to eat him?” Nick lets out a loud laugh, trying to force down the thoughts of how nonchalant Daisy seems to be.

“I definitely wanted to see him in a nice spicy red lip. I’d say it brought out his eyes.”

“I’m sure that Louis will try that look out in the future. I’ve already seen a picture of him in sparkly pink eyeshadow, so-”

“-Nick, did you kiss Louis before or after he kissed Daisy?” Harry is scrutinizing his lips, probably looking for some passed-on trace of Daisy’s lipstick leftover from when they had kissed.

“I haven’t kissed your little friend at all actually, and I have no plans to. If I wanted to kiss Daisy, I wouldn’t need a middleman to make that happen.” Daisy fake-frowns and make a kissy-face at Nick as he gently shoves her shoulder.

“No Nick, you have to! He’s the party favor tonight, it’s tradition, there’s mistletoe. It’s not even tradition, it’s law. Law, Nicholas. Important law!” Harry grips Nick’s arm and begins to pull him out of the kitchen, apologizing over his shoulder to Nick’s friends, who truly do nothing to save him. Nick reckons he might have to find new friends. 

Back in the living room, Harry’s eyes scan the crowd, but Nick finds Louis first. 

“Your little Christmas elf looks somewhat occupied.”

“Where?”

“Over there, in the corner. Trying to eat that girl.”

As Nick gestures in Louis’ direction, Harry finally catches sight of his best friend in a lengthy kiss with one of their friends, Eleanor, mistletoe in Louis’ hand, at his side. For a mistletoe kiss, it seems to be going on for a while. Nick quickly suppresses a grimace and turns to Harry, only to note that even he seems slightly surprised by the gusto of Louis and Eleanor’s kiss. They both watch as Louis, without breaking the kiss, drops the mistletoe and clutches at Eleanor’s shirt. She deepens the kiss, running her fingers through Louis’ hair, and the pang in Nick’s stomach stands as the only reminder he got to stop staring. Catching himself, he turns to Harry once again.

“All out of party favors, I guess?”

Harry’s brow is furrowed, his head cocked, as he watches Louis’ fingers trace her skin. They’re laughing and kissing at the same time, but no one is around encouraging them or egging them on. They’re sharing private touches in the crowded living room.

“I don’t think it means anything. They’ve kissed before. They’re just friends. He’s-” Harry reaches out to touch Nick’s arm, still not looking away from the pair. 

“You alright, Harry?”

Harry looks up at him, almost surprised that Nick could look at anyone but Louis and Eleanor, his mouth slightly open. 

“I just meant, I mean, I think it’s just casual. Wait, no, don’t get the wrong idea about him. He’s not, like, someone who sleeps around. Louis doesn’t just go around kissing anyone, I mean. Just, I don’t think it means that it’s anything more than kissing.”

“He’s literally kissed everyone at this party, Harry. I don’t think it’s unfair to say he does just go around kissing anyone.”

“...He didn’t kiss you.”

“Well alright then. Good to hear that at a party where he’ll literally kiss anyone at all, I’m too far beneath him. And I’m definitely not desperate enough to go beg Louis Tomlinson to kiss me, regardless of what my mother says about needing to find a man and settle down.”

“That’s not what I meant at all.”

“We’re going to go back to my friends now and pretend this never happened.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Half an hour later, Nick finds himself on the roof of the apartment, chatting with Daisy, Liam, and Sophia and trying to get a strong signal on his phone as Liam finishes off a cigarette. He’s carrying on as usual after his almost-encounter with Louis, and the pangs in his stomach have been reduced to a burn only slightly more painful than usual. At this point, Nick is pretty sure he can make it through the rest of the party without needing to even be in the same room as the object of his infatuation. 

What he doesn’t expect is to be left on the roof with Liam when Daisy and Sophia head back down to the living room to play drinking games. He doesn’t expect Liam to bring up Louis again to ask if Louis had kissed him, or to ask about Nick’s relationships, so when Liam asks Nick point-blank if he’s seeing anyone, Nick is somewhat startled.

“Um, no, no, not right now. I’m not in any sort of serious relationship right now.”

“So you’re single.”

“Yeah. Single.”

“Anyone you’re interested in?”

Nick straightens his back and turns to look Liam in the eyes.

“Where is this line of questioning coming from?”

“Just trying to help you out. Like, maybe it’s someone I know, put in a good word for you.”

Nick nearly snorts at this suggestion. As if Liam could make his Louis situation any better.

“No, mate, there’s no one I’m pursuing. But don’t tell my mother that I said that. She’s about to start asking about grandchildren.”

“No one at all?” Liam sounded skeptical.

There have been times over the years when Nick has had the violent but momentary urge to tell someone everything he’s felt about Louis since he realized that his feelings were a real thing. He’s been desperate to tell Daisy or Harry or another one of his friends. Once he had even been tempted to shout it at Louis in a crowded club, just to get it over with, just to get rid of any hope once and for all. Those urges were quickly squashed by the thought of Louis Tomlinson’s ‘I’m so embarrassed for you, you’re so pitiful, are you out of your mind, who even are you?’ look. Each time he conquered those urges, Nick’s decision was reinforced by the looks of annoyance and a small amount of fear that Louis gave him even in casual company. His entire reality was screaming to him that Louis couldn’t stand to interact closely with him for even a second, so why did he keep any hope alive at all? Why did he allow the slow burn to remain buried deep in his stomach and chest?

“No one at all. Sorry to disappoint?” Nick cocks a half-grin and shrugs his shoulders in a mild attempt to be nonchalant about the topic.

Liam puts out his cigarette and slump marginally in his seat, which Nick hopes is a signal that this topic is over. Liam looks up at him with a friendly smirk.

“Your poor, poor mother must be distraught.” 

Nick lets out a fake sigh of exasperation.

“She thinks I should have outgrown the bachelor lifestyle by now. I swear she’ll have a wedding ready to go as soon as I bring someone serious home.”

Liam lets out a laugh and goes to light up another cigarette. 

“Just leave a blank space for the guy’s name, she can plan the rest.”

“That’s the plan right about now. Honestly though, if he isn’t okay with it, he probably isn’t the right guy.” 

“Or you could do that thing that they do in movies, you make a pact with someone to get married if you’re still single at a certain age. Realistically speaking, I could definitely see Harry making that pact with you.”

Nick laughs and puts his hands to his face at this point. No matter how straight and single Harry was at any point, Nick wouldn’t put a marriage pact of any sorts past him.

“You overestimate my charm, Liam.”

Liam puts his hand on Nick’s shoulder and looks Nick in the eyes, adopting a fake-serious tone. 

“Nicholas Grimshaw, you are a catch. Any guy would be lucky to settle for you.”

Nick fake-scowls back at him. Even though he knows it’s a joke, part of him worries about how old someone has to be before settling stops being a choice and becomes fate. He’s not going to end up with the man he loves, so should he start looking for someone who’s nice to his mother and who gets along with his friends rather than someone who makes him feel like his body is on fire?

“Yes they would, Liam Payne. I’ll be someone’s excellent fifth choice someday. I won’t stop until I achieve that goal.”

Liam leans back and laughs, putting out his last cigarette and standing up. He readies himself to go back down to the apartment and find his girlfriend. “You’re a good guy, Nick. Seriously, don’t sell yourself short. You just need to figure out what, or i guess who, it is that you want. You’ll get there.”

“Thanks Liam. Solid ego boost. If your day job doesn’t work out, consider a switch to motivational speaking.”

“No joke, Nick, what you want is there waiting for you. Just go for it.” 

With that, Liam heads down to the apartment party, leaving Nick alone on the roof, still trying to get cell phone reception and wondering how many people knew the truth, before the realization hits him square in the stomach. If Liam knows, if Liam has figured it out without hearing an actual confession, maybe Louis knows. Maybe that’s why Louis can’t stand to be around him, why he looked terrified that one time when he and Nick had been left alone at a table at a dinner once, why there was no real tension between them, just discomfort and a little bit of pity and sadness. All of the air leaves Nick’s lungs as he realizes that, at this point, given how long Nick has felt this way, Louis must know. Alone on the roof, Nick rubs his hands over his face, trying to catch his breath and to think of a plan that would allow him to never have to interact with Louis Tomlinson ever again. The first major step seems to be the most obvious: Nick has to leave the party. 

As fate would have it, Nick bumps into Louis Tomlinson the second he opens the door to head down off of the roof. The very man he is trying most to avoid is the man who has chosen this very moment to head up to the roof for a smoke.

“Nicholas Grimshaw! I didn’t know you smoked?” Louis beams up at him, a cigarette already out of the pack and in his hand. There’s a slight drunken redness to his eyes and a slur in his voice, but he’s grinning at Nick, almost expectantly.

“I don’t, actually. I was just trying to get better cell reception.”

“Come have a smoke with me.” Louis points to the roof, and Nick lets him slip past, out the door and outside.

Nick turns to face Louis, desperately tries to hide his surprise at Louis’ invitation with a defensive smirk.

“Seriously, Louis, I don’t smoke.”

“Come sit with me then. There’s a nice view of the skyline. Or, you know, have a smoke, try something new.”

If Nick will forever swear that the music from the party downstairs goes off at this very moment, as there is only a light thump in his ears. 

“I’m definitely not interested in taking up such a bad habit, Louis.”

“I’m not suggesting you make it a part of your regular routine, Nicholas. I just think you should get out of your comfort zone sometimes. You’re too... hmmm... secluded? Isolated? No time like the present to take a chance, right?”

Nick laughs and shakes his head.

“Tonight is so not the night, Louis. I was just about to head out, anyway. Why don’t I send Harry up? Or Eleanor?”

Nick has never seen someone’s expression change so quickly. Louis’ face drops and he glowers slightly at Nick. 

“Just come sit with me, Nick, just for a minute. I get bored smoking by myself, and you’re already up here. You showed up to my house for a party, so you can’t possibly dislike me too much to chat for a minute.”

Nick raises an eyebrow but somehow manages to restrain himself from crossing his arms over his chest. He just needs to get away from Louis.

“Technically this is Harry’s house as well. I’m mainly here to see him.”

“Fine then. Bye, Nick. See you around.” Any of the friendliness in Louis’ voice from earlier has gone, leaving the somewhat prickly Louis that Nick knew best.

“What do you want from me, Louis? We aren’t friends. You’ve kissed literally everyone at this party. Surely you’d rather have any one of them up here instead, so seriously, let me send someone up to sit with you, if that’s what you want.”

Louis studies Nick, unlit cigarette between his fingers.

“Why aren’t we friends, Nick? We’ve never been friends. We could have been friends, Nick, we definitely could have been friends”

“I didn’t get the impression that either one of us wanted that.”

“We got along well when the three of us started hanging out, you, me, and Harry. But you’re just Harry’s friend now. It’s not that you guys are closer than you and I are; you and I aren’t even friendly. That’s it. Why did Harry get to be that friend?” 

“Pretty sure people can have more than one friend, Louis. In fact, I’m pretty sure most of the people here are friends with both of you.”

“You’re the friend that Harry wants to be like. He wants to be part of your crowd. If he could only choose one group of friends, he would choose yours and leave me behind. He doesn’t have to, but the fact that he would means that you and I aren’t going to be friends, right? We don’t overlap enough.”

“You could be part of the group too. Harry hasn’t ever pictured a life completely without you, so if you put in a little bit of effort, my friends could be your friends. I could be your friend too.”

“Your friends are a bunch of elitist pricks.”

“Elitist pricks who have the good taste to really like Harry.”

“Harry and I aren’t the same person. People always end up choosing Harry, loving Harry more, giving Harry first chances that they don’t give anyone else.”

“My friends like you too. You kissed a couple of them tonight. Daisy, and...” 

“Not you.”

Nick is somewhat surprised by Louis abruptness.

“No, not me.” His brain is scrambling for someway to make up for the fact that he sounds somewhat sad. “And please, don’t try to kiss me after you’ve smoked.”

“I wouldn’t have kissed you at all.”

Nick rolls his eyes as he has to once again suppress the tiny flicker of hope that something could or would change between them.

“How kind of you, Louis.”

Louis still hasn’t lit his cigarette, choosing instead to stare at Nick.

“Well, like you said, you’re mainly here to see Harry.”

“Right.”

“Because we aren’t friends. Your friends are friendly with me, but you and I aren’t friends.” Nick begins to feel like Louis thinks he has the mental capacity of a seven-year-old.

“Do you want to be friends, Louis?”

“I just want you to come sit with me as I smoke. I just…” Louis pauses, and Nick realizes that he’s no longer making eye contact. Nick is still standing in the doorway down to the party. This is the most they’ve probably ever spoken to each other, and even though Nick’s brain is screaming at him to just walk away, the gnawing in his stomach forces him to walk over to where Louis is standing, still holding the unlit cigarette, scratching his arm and staring at the ground.

“You just what?” Nick doesn’t mean to sound breathless and desperate, but even he can hear the urgency in his own voice. 

“I just want to know that you don’t despise me, that I can be around without making you uncomfortable.” 

At this point, Nick can’t tell if everything is windy or if everything has been hushed. He loves Louis, he loves him so much more than he could ever shout from any rooftop, but he needs a quiet, desperate love to satisfy him. Here, on this rooftop, everything is quiet as the love of Nick’s life offers him the friendship that he told himself he would be okay settling for. He tries to breathe as he realizes that this is it, just friendship. 

“Yeah, okay, I’ll sit with you. Have your smoke.”

Louis grins at him, but the smile doesn’t quite reach Louis’ eyes.

“Have a smoke, Nicholas.”

“You can call me Nick, you know.”

“Seriously, Nicholas, have a smoke.”

“Never going to happen, Louis. I honestly can’t stand the taste.”

“Let me kiss you before I smoke then.”

Nick flinches but quickly catches himself when he remembers that Louis is still trying to kiss everyone at the party. He grasps at any excuse to avoid kissing Louis, any excuse to avoid having to settle for this one joke-kiss.

“You don’t have your mistletoe.”

“Kiss me without it.”

“That’s not in the Christmas spirit, Louis. You have to have the mistletoe.”

“It was never about the Christmas spirit, Nick, never about the mistletoe. Just want to kiss you.”

Nick swears that Louis is trying to kill him on this rooftop.

“I’d prefer not to ruin our newly-budding friendship.” Nick knows that he’s grasping at straws now. 

“I don’t think I want to be your friend. You’re fucking terrifying.”

“I’m terrifying? You must be really drunk.”

“Sure, Nick, let’s go with that. Please kiss me. Please, Nick.”

“I don’t want to be another check on your checklist.”

“What do you want then?”

“What makes you think I want anything?”

“Because friends can kiss friends. No one else at the party has objected the way that you have.”

“Eleanor really didn’t object.”

Louis looks up at Nick with confusion in his eyes.

“She and I are just friends who make out sometimes. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“You and I are just friends. Do you just want to make out with me sometimes?”

“I told you, I don’t think I want to be your friend, but…”

“But what, Louis?”

“...But I do want to make out with you. More than makeout. More than sometimes.”

Louis isn’t making eye contact with Nick anymore. He still hasn’t lit his cigarette, and Nick wonders if maybe that means there is still hope. 

At this point, Nick realizes that they’re at a fork in the road, and he has only two options. He can either pretend like this is all just a big joke to spare his own pride and completely extinguish all hope forever, or he can kiss Louis honestly and hopefully, all the while knowing that he might end up humiliating himself, probably beyond repair. 

Pretending it’s all a joke would be so much easier than putting himself out there. He could rationalize it by reminding everyone about how Louis won’t say no to a challenge, how Louis loves a good prank, how Harry would have told him if Louis felt that way about him. He could even rationalize Liam’s earlier comments by putting him in the place of Louis’ pranking assistant. Regardless of the truth, even the part of Nick that holds hope that Louis could want to be with him knows that Louis would go along with the pretense that this was all joke. Either it actually was a joke, or Louis would deal with the rejection by playing along and then cutting Nick out for good. He knows in his heart of hearts that he and Louis could never be platonic friends, because he knows he’s never going to not love Louis. He could spend the rest of his life with a slow burn in his chest and an ache in his stomach, but he and Louis could never be friends. 

Finding out the truth would mean either public humiliation or actual happiness. 

Louis still hasn’t lit his cigarette, and Nick places all of his bets on that. He stands up straight, lifts Louis’ jaw, tilts his head, and presses his lips to Louis’. He moves his hands to cup either side of Louis’ face, smiling a little bit as Louis softly kisses Nick’s lower lip. Nick hums softly as Louis reaches his empty hand up to hold one of Nick’s wrists, while other other hand rests on Nick’s lower back. They stay together motionless for a little bit, each of them softening into the other’s touch over time. Eventually, Louis breaks the kiss but doesn’t move Nick’s hand from his face, even nuzzling into it slightly. 

Finally, he looks up at the Nick.

“You’re going to think I’m an absolute stalker, but I need to tell you something.”

Nick only raises an eyebrow, but Louis seems to take it as confirmation, and the confessions start to spill out.

“I’ve been into you for such a long time, but you ended up as Harry’s friend, and yes, I know people can have more than one friend, but I really wanted to be your friend, not just Harry’s friend that you were friendly with. I wanted to be your friend, but I didn’t want to settle for that, and I thought I’d rather be nothing than be just your friend. It was so difficult to be around you, especially when we would end up alone together, and I was terrified that you had figured out, or that someone had told you how I felt. I never wanted you to find out about how I felt, how I feel, but I couldn’t be just your kind-of acquaintance anymore. You and Harry just clicked, and I didn’t know how to tell him, so I didn’t tell anyone. Now I’ve tried literally everything else, everyone else, and none of it matters, and I just want a chance with you. It’s not a joke, it’s not a check on a checklist, you’re not just another kiss at a party. Please, give me a chance.” 

Nick kisses Louis again, humming a soft “mmhmm” of confirmation into his lips. 

“I really want to try to work this out, Nick. I really want to try.”


End file.
